- ♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
JIM GAFFIGAN.
[cheers and applause]
- THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU. OH, WHAT IF I SUCK?
THAT WOULD BE AWKWARD.
"HE WASN'T EVEN GOOD.
"I WANTED SOME OF MY CLAPPING BACK.
OH, HE'S DOING THAT VOICE ALREADY."
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. THIS IS EXCITING, RIGHT?
I'M EXCITED! [cheers and applause]
IT IS GOOD TO BE HERE.
I, UH, RECENTLY BECAME A FATHER.
THANK YOU. [cheers and applause]
BECAME A FATHER FOR THE FOURTH TIME.
NEVER AS MUCH APPLAUSE ON THAT PART.
REALLY NO APPLAUSE, RIGHT?
'CAUSE AFTER THE THIRD KID, PEOPLE STOP CONGRATULATING YOU.
THEN THEY JUST TREAT YOU LIKE YOU'RE AMISH.
"FOUR? WELL, THAT'S ONE WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.
"CAN YOU BUILD US ONE OF THOSE WOOD FIREPLACES?
"FOUR KIDS.
FOUR KIDS."
YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A FOURTH?
JUST IMAGINE YOU'RE DROWNING...
AND THEN SOMEONE HANDS YOU A BABY.
THE GOOD NEWS IS WE LIVE IN A TWO-BEDROOM APARTMENT.
SO...I THOUGHT IT THROUGH.
I'VE HAVEN'T SLEPT IN SEVEN YEARS.
I DIDN'T ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THIS. I'M ACTUALLY PUERTO RICAN.
BUT THE WEAR AND TEAR OF PARENT--
I USED TO HAVE THICK BLACK HAIR.
I WAS MUY GUAPO.
NO MAS.
NO MORE GUAPO.
MY WIFE HAD THE BABY AT HOME. WE HAD ALL OUR BABIES AT HOME.
JUST TO MAKE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.
PEOPLE DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT HOME BIRTH.
THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, YOU HAD YOUR BABY AT HOME?
YEAH, WE WERE GONNA DO THAT, BUT WE WANTED OUR BABY TO LIVE."
PEOPLE ALWAYS ASSUME THERE WAS SOME LAZINESS INVOLVED.
"YOU DIDN'T WANNA GO TO THE HOSPITAL?"
"IT WAS FAR.
I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE PUTTING ON PANTS."
WE HAD OUR BABY AT HOME, NOT IN A FIELD.
"AT HOME? WELL, WHY WOULDN'T YOU HAVE IT
"IN THAT GERM-INFESTED BUILDING WHERE SICK PEOPLE CONGREGATE?
"DIDN'T YOUR WIFE WANNA GIVE BIRTH
IN A GOWN SOMEONE DIED IN YESTERDAY?"
IT'S JUST THE TRUTH.
HOME BIRTH IS CRAZY, HUH?
IT WAS ALL MY WIFE'S IDEA.
I DON'T EVEN LIKE COOKING AT HOME, YOU KNOW?
AND IT'S WILD, YOU KNOW.
THERE WAS SO MUCH SCREAMING AT ONE POINT,
I ACTUALLY WOKE UP.
"WHAT, DID SOMEONE SCORE A TOUCHDOWN?
"OH, YOU'RE HAVING ANOTHER BABY.
"CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN?
I'M TRYING TO GET A TIGHT 12 HOURS IN."
AND I WAS MY WIFE'S BIRTH COACH.
WHICH IS A GENEROUS TITLE FOR STANDING THERE TERRIFIED.
THERE WAS ALSO A MIDWIFE THERE, 'CAUSE WE BELIEVE IN WITCHCRAFT.
"A MIDWIFE? NOW HOW MANY WIVES DOES THIS GUY HAVE?
SOUNDS LIKE AL-QAEDA."
MY WIFE DID IT.
SHE HAD FOUR BABIES IN OUR APARTMENT.
SHE'S AN AMAZING WOMAN.
REALLY, ALL WOMEN ARE AMAZING.
AND I MEAN THAT IN A VERY PANDERING WAY.
[cheers and applause]
BUT WOMEN ARE, REALLY.
YOU KNOW, A WOMAN CAN GROW A BABY INSIDE THEIR BODY.
AND THEN SOMEHOW, A WOMAN CAN DELIVER THE BABY
THROUGH THEIR BODY.
AND THEN BY SOME MIRACLE A WOMAN CAN FEED A BABY WITH THEIR BODY.
AND WHEN YOU THINK OF THE MALE CONTRIBUTION TO LIFE,
IT'S KIND OF EMBARRASSING, REALLY.
THE GUY'S ALWAYS LIKE, "YEAH, WELL, I HELPED TOO...
"FOR, LIKE, FIVE SECONDS...
"DOING THE ONE THING I THINK ABOUT 24 HOURS A DAY.
"WELL, ENJOY YOUR MORNING SICKNESS.
"I'M GONNA EAT ME SOME CHILI.
"SMELL THOSE ONIONS. [laughing]
YOU WANT SOME? I GUESS NOT."
A BABY AT HOME.
BABIES ARE A LOT OF WORK. I TRY AND PITCH IN.
I DO DIAPERS.
I MEAN, I DON'T CHANGE 'EM,
BUT I GO, "YOU GOTTA DO THIS DIAPER."
NO, WE HAVE THREE OTHER KIDS TOO.
A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD, A FIVE-YEAR-OLD,
AND A TWO-YEAR-OLD.
I SHOULD PROBABLY LEARN THEIR NAMES.
I TRY AND BE A GOOD DAD.
I SAT THE OLDER THREE DOWN AND I EXPLAINED TO THEM
THAT THE NEW BABY DOES NOT MEAN I LOVE THEM ANY LESS.
BUT I WILL HAVE TO LET ONE OF THEM GO.
SO IF ANYONE KNOWS OF A TODDLER RESCUE--
MAYBE WE COULD SARAH MCLACHLAN TO DO THE COMMERCIAL.
♪ I WILL REMEMBER-- ♪
I LOVE THAT COMMERCIAL.
EVEN THE DOGS IN THAT COMMERCIAL ARE LIKE,
"THIS IS A LITTLE HEAVY-HANDED, SARAH.
"WE ARE JUST DOGS AFTER ALL.
THERE'S STILL KIDS STARVING IN AFRICA, RIGHT? I MEAN--"
"I DON'T LIKE THAT JOKE AT ALL.
"WHY WOULD HE PUT THAT JOKE IN THE SPECIAL?
FOUR KIDS? BEDTIME IS A CRISIS."
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE RIGHT NOW.
IT'S TOO HARD.
THEY ACT LIKE THEY'VE NEVER BEEN TO SLEEP BEFORE.
"BED? WHAT'S THAT?
NO, I DON'T WANNA DO THAT."
THEN IT BECOMES SOME HOSTAGE NEGOTIATION...
BUT IN REVERSE.
"LOOK, IF YOU STAY IN THERE,
"I WILL GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT.
"I WILL MEET YOUR DEMANDS.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT, A HELICOPTER TO CUBA?
"ANYTHING!
JUST STAY IN THERE."
THERE'S ALWAYS ONE AWAKE. LIKE THEY'RE TAKING SHIFTS.
"ALL RIGHT, I'LL ANNOY 'EM FROM MIDNIGHT TO 2:00.
"WHO WANTS 3:00 TO 6:00?
"NOW LET'S LIE DOWN AND PRACTICE KICKING THEM
IN OUR SLEEP."
'CAUSE MY WIFE HAS INSTITUTED THIS OPEN-DOOR POLICY
WHERE IF ONE OF OUR KIDS HAS A NIGHTMARE,
THEY'RE WELCOME TO COME IN OUR ROOM AND PEE IN OUR BED.
LUCKILY, THAT ONLY HAPPENS EVERY NIGHT.
YOU EVER SLEPT NEXT TO SOMEONE THAT'S WET THE BED?
DELICIOUS.
YOU'RE ASLEEP, RIGHT, SO WHEN YOU WAKE UP,
YOUR FIRST THOUGHT IS, "OH, MY GOD, I WET THE BED!"
THEN YOUR NEXT THOUGHT IS, "AH, IT'S NOT THAT WET."
I'LL JUST SCOOT OVER A LITTLE BIT.
IF I PRETEND TO BE ASLEEP, MAYBE SHE'LL DEAL WITH IT.
"OH, I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.
"HEY, WHILE YOU'RE UP, CAN YOU MAKE ME A SANDWICH?
THANKS, HONEY!"
IT IS CHAOS AT HOME!
I FEEL LIKE I'M LIVING WITH A BUNCH OF DRUNK PEOPLE.
EVERYONE'S WETTING THE BED, SCREAMING.
IT'S JERSEY SHORE, FOLKS.
IT'S LIKE JERSEY SHORE WITH A LOT MORE SUNSCREEN.
IMAGINE FOUR MINIATURE VERSIONS OF ME,
BUT NOT AS DARK-SKINNED AS ME...
THAT NEED SUNSCREEN OR THEY WILL DIE.
"DON'T OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR! YOU'LL KILL YOURSELF!"
I'M RAISING VAMPIRES.
I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO SUMMER AT ALL.
"OH, WE'RE GOING TO THE BEACH NEXT WEEK?
"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA START PUTTING SUNSCREEN ON 'EM NOW.
THIS'LL TAKE A DAY AND HALF."
BEFORE KIDS, I NEVER WENT OUTSIDE.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT A LONG-SLEEVE SUN SHIRT WAS.
ANY LONG-SLEEVE SUN-- LET ME REPHRASE THIS.
ANYONE ELSE WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM?
♪ SWIMMING IN A POOL IN A LONG-SLEEVE SUN SHIRT ♪
"HEY, WHAT'S UP, LADIES?"
EVERYONE LOOKS AT YOU LIKE, "DID THAT GUY FALL IN?
"THAT IS THE WORST SUICIDE ATTEMPT I'VE EVER SEEN.
HE'S JUST SWIMMING IN HIS CLOTHES."
SUMMER.
LAST SUMMER, WE DID OUR FIRST BIG FAMILY VACATION.
WELL, I SHOULD CLARIFY. WE WENT TO DISNEY.
NOW IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO DISNEY AS AN ADULT,
JUST IMAGINE YOU'RE STANDING IN LINE AT THE DMV...
AND THAT'S IT.
ACTUALLY, IT WAS ORLANDO IN JULY,
SO IT WAS KIND OF LIKE STANDING IN LINE
ON THE SURFACE OF THE SUN.
"WHY WOULD WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES?"
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND YOU'D GO ON VACATION,
YOU'D BE LIKE, "WHY IS DAD ALWAYS IN A BAD MOOD?"
NOW I UNDERSTAND.
"HOW CAN SPEND AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY,
"BE UNCOMFORTABLE, AND LISTEN TO MY CHILDREN
"COMPLAIN AND WHINE?
"DISNEY!
OH, GOOD."
I DID FIGURE OUT WHAT MAKES DISNEY TRULY MAGICAL, THOUGH.
YOU CAN WALK AROUND, SWEATING YOUR ASS OFF, FOR 12 HOURS
AND STILL GAIN WEIGHT.
"I KNOW IT'S 110 OUT HERE, BUT THESE FRIES TASTE GREAT."
WE EAT, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE WE WANNA HAVE A GOOD TIME.
REALLY, THAT'S ALL A VACATION IS--
JUST US EATING IN A PLACE WE'VE NEVER BEEN.
"WELL, WHY DON'T WE EAT SOMETHING?
"THEN WE'LL GO AND GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
"THEN WE'LL SEE THAT THING WE'RE SUPPOSED TO SEE.
"THEY PROBABLY GOT A SNACK BAR THERE, RIGHT?
"AFTER THAT, WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET SOMETHING TO EAT, THOUGH.
THEN WE'LL EAT SOMETHING."
YOU EAT 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
THERE'S PRESSURE TO HAVE FUN ON YOUR VACATION, RIGHT?
BUT AT DISNEY, IT'S LIKE A DESPERATION.
YOU SEE IT ON THE FACES OF PARENTS.
THEY'RE LIKE, "HAHHH.
"THIS WAS AN ENORMOUS MISTAKE.
"I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING FUN.
IT WAS EITHER THIS OR SEND YOU TO COLLEGE."
I STOOD IN LINE FOR AN HOUR AND 15 MINUTES
FOR THE DUMBO RIDE.
AFTER A MINUTE, I WAS LIKE...
"I'M THE DUMBO.
I'M WAITING TO SEE MYSELF."
AT THE END OF THE LINE,
THERE'S JUST GONNA BE A MIRROR AND SOME GUY GOING, "DUMBO!"
SOME OF THOSE RIDES AT DISNEY,
THEY MAKE YOU REALIZE HOW FAR WE'VE COME WITH AMUSEMENT PARKS.
LIKE I WAS ON THAT RIDE IT'S A SMALL WORLD.
I WAS LIKE, "WOW, THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN PEOPLE FOUND THIS ENTERTAINING?"
YOU COULD BE ON ACID,
YOU'RE LIKE, "I'M NOT GETTING ANYTHING HERE.
"I THINK I'LL GO BACK TO STARING AT MY HAND.
"YEAH, THAT'S BETTER.
IF ONLY I HAD TWO OF THESE."
'CAUSE A LOT OF THOSE RIDES AT DISNEY,
THEY WERE DEVELOPED IN THE '70s.
THERE WAS NO COMPETITION. THEY WERE MAKING UP RIDES.
IT WAS JUST SOME GUY GOING, "ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT, UH...
"A BUMPER CAR GOES INTO A DARK ROOM
"AND THERE'S A PICTURE OF WINNIE THE POOH?
"PEOPLE WILL STAND IN LINE FOR AN HOUR FOR THAT, RIGHT?
"OOH, HERE, I GOT ANOTHER ONE.
"WHAT IF WE HOLLOW OUT A LOG AND THROW 'EM OVER A WATERFALL?
WE GOT THEIR MONEY. WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO?"
I HAVE TO ADMIT, MY FAVORITE RIDE WAS THE AIR-CONDITIONED BUS
BACK TO THE AIRPORT.
OOH, WELL WORTH THE WAIT.
"HEY, IF YOU DON'T LIKE DISNEY, WELL, THEN WHY WOULD YOU GO?"
I WENT BECAUSE I LOVE MY CHILDREN, YOU KNOW?
NOW THERE ARE ADULTS WITHOUT CHILDREN THAT GO TO DISNEY,
AND THEY'RE CALLED WEIRDOS.
VERY NICE PEOPLE, ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.
EVEN AT COMIC-CON, PEOPLE ARE LIKE,
"YEAH, THEY'RE A LITTLE FRIGHTENING.
"I MEAN, I GOT A BATMAN LIVING ROOM,
BUT THESE PEOPLE ARE SCARY."
"BUT YOU'RE A NERD TOO, JIM."
I TOOK SO MANY PICTURES AT DISNEY.
THAT'S ALL WE DO, RIGHT, AS A SOCIETY?
IT'S LIKE, "HEY, INSTEAD OF ENJOYING THIS MOMENT,
LET'S TAKE PICTURES."
WE TAKE PICTURES OF EVERYDAY LIFE
AND ACT LIKE WE'RE CAPTURING HISTORY.
"UNBELIEVABLE! THE CAT'S ASLEEP.
POST THAT ON MY TWITTER."
IT'S BECAUSE WE HAVE THE CAMERAS ON OUR PHONES.
DO WE NEED THAT?
IT'S NOT LIKE TEN YEARS AGO WE WERE LIKE,
"I WISH I COULD TAKE
"A LOW-QUALITY PHOTO OF MY DESSERT.
"TEXT IT TO SOMEONE THAT'S NOT INTERESTED.
BUT I CAN'T, SO I GUESS I'LL JUST EAT IT."
AS A RESULT, WE ALL HAVE SO MANY PHOTOS.
ALL THESE PICTURES,
AND SURE, WE ALL WANT OUR COMPUTERS TO RUN SLOW.
BUT WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ALL THESE PHOTOS?
I MEAN, I HAVE MORE PICTURES OF MY CHILDREN
THAN MY FATHER EVER LOOKED AT ME.
AND I JUST KEEP TAKING THEM. LIKE, "CLICK, CLICK, CLICK."
WE ALL DO. YOU CLICK, CLICK, CLICK.
DOWNLOAD ALL OF 'EM.
WE DON'T EVEN WEED THROUGH 'EM.
"AH, I'LL JUST GET ANOTHER COMPUTER.
THAT'LL BE MY DISNEY TRIP COMPUTER."
WE USED TO HAVE BOXES OF PHOTOS IN OUR CLOSETS.
NOW IT'S JUST OLD COMPUTERS.
"HEH, THERE'S OUR WEDDING COMPUTER.
"THAT'S MY COMPUTER WHEN I WAS SINGLE.
I SHOULD PROBABLY DESTROY THAT ONE."
IT'S SAD. WE HAVE ALL THESE PHOTOS.
EVERYONE HAS THOUSANDS OF PHOTOS,
AND BESIDES US, NO ONE ELSE CARES.
'CAUSE REALLY ANY PHOTO YOU'RE NOT IN
IS NOT THAT INTERESTING.
YOU MIGHT ACT INTERESTED, RIGHT?
YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, YOU WENT TO MEXICO.
"HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA TAKE?
'CAUSE I CAN FAKE IT FOR, LIKE, A MINUTE."
I DON'T EVEN LIKE PICTURES THAT I'M IN.
YOU EVER SEE A PHOTO OF YOURSELF
AND IT KINDA RUINS YOUR DAY?
FOR A SECOND, YOU DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOURSELF.
YOU'RE LIKE, "WHO'S THAT FAT GUY?
"OH, NO!
"UGH, I SHOULD CALL MY WIFE AND TELL HER I LOVE HER.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ALLOWED TO WEAR THAT COLOR!"
I'M WEARING ALL BLACK TONIGHT,
'CAUSE, UH, THAT'S EASIER THAN WORKING OUT, RIGHT?
BY THE WAY, THESE AREN'T SKINNY JEANS, I'M JUST FAT.
BLACK. ♪ THE MAGIC OF BLACK ♪
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF THERE WAS SOMETHING
THAT MADE PEOPLE LOOK IN SHAPE...
BESIDES ALCOHOL?
BUT THAT'S WHAT BLACK IS. IT'S THE BEER GOGGLES OF COLOR.
IT'S LIKE, "YOU LOOK GREAT. HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?"
"UH, I'M HOMELESS AND WEARING A GARBAGE BAG."
"WELL, YOU LOOK THIN."
YOU KNOW WHAT COLOR I LOOK REALLY OUT-OF-SHAPE IN
IS FLESH COLOR.
MM, IT IS BRUTAL ON ME.
MY BIRTHDAY SUIT NEEDS MORE SUIT.
BUT IT'S MY FAULT. YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE TO EXERCISE.
I DON'T THINK A LOT OF US DO.
THAT'S WHY THERE ARE PERSONAL TRAINERS.
YOU KNOW, THE PERSON YOU PAY TO MAKE YOU WORK OUT
AT THE PLACE WHERE YOU ALREADY PAY TO WORK OUT.
HMM, DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A PYRAMID SCHEME TO ME AT ALL.
"YOU CAN ALSO THROW MONEY RIGHT IN THE GARBAGE...
FOR A SMALL FEE."
I DON'T HAVE A PERSONAL TRAINER. "REALLY? THAT'S A SHOCK.
YOU DO THAT ALL YOURSELF?"
ONE TIME I JOINED A HEALTH CLUB
AND I GOT A FREE PERSONAL TRAINER SESSION.
THE GUY'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME
WHAT YOUR WORKOUT GOALS ARE?"
"UH, TO NOT WORK OUT.
"GOALS? I'M JUST HERE SO I WON'T EAT FOR AN HOUR.
CAN WE DROP THIS CHARADE? WHY IS YOUR SHIRT SO TIGHT?"
IS THAT PART OF THE INTERVIEW PROCESS?
"WHAT ARE YOU, A MEDIUM? HERE'S AN EXTRA SMALL.
NOW HEAD OUT THERE AND BE CONDESCENDING."
I FEEL SORRY FOR THE PERSONAL TRAINERS THAT ARE OUT OF SHAPE.
WHAT'S THEIR APPROACH?
"YOU SHOULD WORK OUT. I DON'T.
"YOU DON'T WANNA END UP LOOKING LIKE ME.
"MY FAVORITE MACHINE'S THE VENDING MACHINE.
"HEY, WANNA GO HALFSIES ON A SNICKERS?
THOSE THINGS ARE AWESOME."
I PROBABLY NEED A PERSONAL TRAINER.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T WORK OUT TODAY.
THAT MAKES, JEEZ, THREE DECADES.
OCCASIONALLY, I WILL WORK OUT.
AND I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHENEVER I DO WORK OUT
I IMMEDIATELY HAVE GRAND PLANS.
"I'M GONNA WORK OUT EVER DAY."
THEN THE NEXT DAY I'M LIKE "WELL, NOT EVERY DAY.
"I GOTTA LET MY MUSCLES BREATHE A LITTLE.
I'LL WORK OUT EVERY OTHER DAY."
THEN THE NEXT DAY I'M LIKE, "EH, I'M HAPPY WITH THE WAY I LOOK.
I DON'T WANNA GET CAUGHT UP IN THAT BEAUTY CULTURE."
IT'S HARD. IT'S HARD TO GET MOTIVATED.
IT'S HARD TO GET TO THE GYM.
I ACTUALLY LIVE ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY HEALTH CLUB.
IT'S ACROSS THE STREET. IT'S OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY.
STILL CAN'T GET THERE.
I KNEW I WASN'T GONNA GO. EVEN WHEN I JOINED.
DURING THAT INITIAL TOUR,
THEY'RE LIKE, "HERE'S WHERE YOU CAN DO SIT-UPS."
"NEVER GONNA HAPPEN."
"WE HAVE FREE WEIGHTS." "TOO HARD."
"WE OFFER HOT YOGA." "I'D WATCH."
I ALWAYS TELL MYSELF I'M GONNA DO THAT.
GO IN THERE AND WATCH A HOT YOGA CLASS.
YOU KNOW, JUST... BRING A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS.
NOT EVEN IN WORKOUT CLOTHES.
DRESSED AS SPIDER-MAN.
"EXCUSE ME, SIR." "I'M AUDITING.
"I MIGHT TAKE THIS NEXT SEMESTER
IF I'M NOT TOO BUSY FIGHTING CRIME."
IT'S HARD TO GET MOTIVATED.
YOU EVER GO TO THE GYM AND NOT WORK OUT?
YOU JUST KINDA WANDER AROUND.
"SHOULD I DO THE ELLIPTICAL OR-- I GOTTA GO.
I'M SURE I BURNED SOME CALORIES PUTTING THIS OUTFIT ON."
EVEN WHEN I AM WORKING OUT AT THE GYM,
I'M REALLY JUST WATCHING TELEVISION.
YOU KNOW, I'M ON THE ELLIPTICAL, FOOD NETWORK.
"I'M GONNA EAT THAT. I'M GON--"
I'M PRETENDING TO HIKE UP A MOUNTAIN
WHILE I WATCH SOMEONE MAKE A LASAGNA.
THAT'S LIKE GOING TO AN AA MEETING IN A BREWERY.
"HI, I'M JIM. IS THAT A KEG OVER THERE?"
IT'S DISC--IT'S DISCOURAGING
WHEN YOU SEE HOW FEW CALORIES YOU'VE BURNED, RIGHT?
YOU'RE LIKE, "50 CALORIES?
"WHAT'S THAT, LIKE SMELLING A BIG MAC?
WELL, BACK TO IRON CHEF."
THANK GOD FOR THOSE TELEVISIONS.
YOU EVER CATCH YOURSELF WATCHING SOMEONE ELSE'S TELEVISION?
YOU'RE LIKE--
YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON A PIECE OF EXERCISE EQUIPMENT.
"UH, ARE YOU WAITING FOR THIS MACHINE?"
"I'M JUST WAITING FOR THIS SHOW TO END."
"THEY'RE MAKING BROWNIES.
"CAN I GRAB A SWIG FROM YOUR WATER BOTTLE?
BROWNIES MAKE ME MAD THIRSTY."
IT'S HARD.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, YOU KNOW.
HERE'S SOMETHING FUN TO DO
NEXT TIME YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR A TREADMILL.
JUST START JOGGING IN PLACE BEHIND SOMEONE USING ONE.
"CAN I PASS?
"TO THE LEFT! TO THE LEFT!
"EVERYTHING YOU OWN IN A BOX TO THE LEFT.
YOU JUST DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME."
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE APPEAL OF A LOT OF THE EXERCISE EQUIPMENT.
LIKE THE STAIRMASTER?
HOW'D THEY EVER SELL ONE OF THOSE?
"HEY, YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE LOVE WALKING UP STAIRS?"
"I'M PRETTY SURE PEOPLE HATE WALKING UP STAIRS."
"WELL, HEAR ME OUT. THESE STAIRS ARE DIFFERENT.
"THEY NEVER END.
YOU NEVER REACH THE NEXT FLOOR."
"WELL, WHAT'S APPEALING ABOUT THAT?"
"EVENTUALLY, YOU DIE.
"THEN YOU DON'T GOTTA WALK UP STAIRS NO MORE.
"HEY, CAN I ALSO INTEREST YOU IN A BIKE THAT GOES NOWHERE?
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS STUFF FOR FREE
"WHEN YOU CAN COME IN HERE AND PAY ME TO PRETEND TO DO IT?
IT'S SO SIMPLE."
I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I GO TO THE GYM AT THE WRONG TIME.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE PACKED.
THE ONLY MACHINE AVAILABLE IS THE ONE THAT SIMULATES
THE GYNECOLOGICAL EXAM.
YOU KNOW, THE SHARON STONE MACHINE, RIGHT?
NEVER SEE A GUY ON THAT, DO YOU?
OCCASIONAL THERE'LL BE A WOMAN ON THERE
REFUSING TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE.
THERE ALWAYS LIKE... [humming]
'CAUSE THERE IS NO APPROPRIATE FACIAL EXPRESSION
FOR THIS MACHINE.
YOU CAN'T BE LIKE, "YEAH!
WHOO! THAT BURNS."
YOU ALSO CAN'T ACT LIKE IT'S TOO EASY.
"THIS IS NOTHING.
"I GOT THE STRONGEST CROTCH IN THE ROOM.
NOT EVEN FEELING IT, FELLAS."
WHENEVER THERE IS A WOMAN ON THAT MACHINE,
THERE'S ALWAYS A CREEPY GUY STRETCHING NEARBY.
"HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
"IS TODAY FRIDAY OR SATURDAY?
I BEEN MAKING SO MUCH MONEY I CAN'T KEEP TRACK."
THERE SHOULD BE NO TALKING TO STRANGERS AT THE GYM.
I'M ALWAYS BAFFLED WHEN I'M WORKING OUT
AND SOMEONE TRIES TO TALK TO ME.
IT'S LIKE WHAT'S THE LOGIC?
"HE'S SWEATING, HE'S BREATHING HARD,
"HE'S GOT HEADPHONES ON. SEEMS LIKE HE WANTS TO CHAT.
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?"
"OH, ME? INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO KILL YOU."
AND SOME OF THE NOISES PEOPLE MAKE.
THEY'RE LIKE... [grunting]
"UH, DO YOU MIND?
I'M TRYING TO WATCH DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER HERE."
"WHY ARE YOU SWEATING? IT'S AIR-CONDITIONED IN HERE.
YOU'RE THE REASON WE HAVE TO WIPE OFF THESE MACHINES."
OF COURSE THE MOST ANNOYING ARE THOSE PEOPLE
IN EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD SHAPE AT THE GYM.
I'M ALWAYS LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU'RE DONE.
WHAT ARE YOU, RUBBING IT IN?
LUCKILY, THERE'S ALWAYS ONE OR TWO PEOPLE AT THE GYM
YOU LOOK AT AND YOU'RE LIKE, "DON'T BOTHER.
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME."
THEN YOU REALIZE IT'S JUST YOUR REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR.
SAD.
I DON'T GET THE MIRRORS, YOU KNOW?
I DON'T WANNA SEE MYSELF WORKING OUT.
I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE. THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO THE GYM.
OBVIOUSLY THERE'S SOME PEOPLE THAT DO WANT THAT, RIGHT?
THEY'RE LIKE, "IF I'M GONNA BE WORKING OUT,
"I WANNA LOOK AT SOMETHING...
"LIKE MYSELF.
"I WANNA LOOK AT MYSELF WHILE I WORK ON MYSELF.
"I SHOULD DO A RECORDING SO I CAN LISTEN TO MYSELF
"WHILE I LOOK AT MYSELF WHILE I WORK ON MYSELF
"AS I LEAF THROUGH MYSELF MAGAZINE...
"READ HOW MYSELF CAN IMPROVE MYSELF.
"MAYBE I'LL GO TO MY FACEBOOK PAGE
"AND LOOK AT PHOTOS OF MYSELF,
"READ WHAT MYSELF HAS WRITTEN ABOUT MYSELF.
YO SOY MUY IMPORTANTE."
♪ MYSELF ♪
MIRRORS--SOME HEALTH CLUBS,
THEY HAVE THE EXERCISE EQUIPMENT FACING WINDOWS.
SO IN CITIES LIKE NEW YORK AND D.C.,
YOU CAN BE JOGGING ON A TREADMILL
AS YOU GAZE INTO THE EYES OF A HOMELESS MAN.
"I'M COMING."
"HE DOES A GOOD HOMELESS MAN."
YOU EVER SEE A BODYBUILDER AT THE GYM?
THAT'S EXCITING, RIGHT?
I ALWAYS GET NERVOUS.
I'M LIKE, "[stammering] DO YOU LIVE HERE?
"ARE YOU LIFTING THE WEIGHTS OR EATING THEM?
HOW'D YOU GET LIKE THAT?"
AND WHEN I SAY BODYBUILDER,
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SOMEBODY WHO'S MUSCULAR.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE GUYS THAT HAVE GOTTEN SO BIG
PEOPLE ARE AFRAID TO TELL 'EM IT LOOKS WEIRD.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?"
"IT'S GREAT. IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL."
"I'M NOT TOO MUSCULAR?" "NO, NO. DO YOU WANT MONEY?
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME."
YOU EVER SEE THOSE BODYBUILDING EVENTS ON ESPN?
THE GUYS ARE UP THERE LIKE, "ARGGHH."
AND EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE IS LIKE, "YAY! YAY!
CLAP FOR THE MACHO-- HE'LL TEAR OFF OUR ARMS."
WHAT ARE THOSE PEOPLE DOING IN THE AUDIENCE AT THOSE--
WHY ARE THEY THERE?
"THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN A MOVIE, HUH?
"I LIKE THE GUY WITH THE BIG MUSCLES WHO WAS FLEXING
"WHO LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THE TEN OTHER GUYS
"WITH THE BIG MUSCLES WHO ARE FLEXING.
"I WONDER WHAT THIS NEXT GUY'S GONNA DO.
YOU THINK HE'S GONNA FLEX?"
'CAUSE THAT'S ALL THEY DO. THEY GO UP THERE AND THEY FLEX.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO TALENT PORTION.
NEVER SEE A BODYBUILDER PLAYING THE HARP OR ANYTHING.
'CAUSE THOSE POOR GUYS CAN'T BEND THEIR ARMS LIKE THAT.
THEY'RE LIKE... [grumbling]
"HE'S GONNA GET HIS ASS KICKED FOR THIS JOKE."
I'M JEALOUS, YOU KNOW.
I AM JEALOUS OF BODYBUILDERS.
'CAUSE EVEN IF I DID WORK OUT A LOT
I KNOW I WOULD NEVER ACHIEVE THE TITLE OF MR. UNIVERSE.
WHICH IS THE HIGHEST ACCOLADE YOU CAN RECEIVE IN BODYBUILDING.
REALLY. MR. UNIVERSE?
SHOULDN'T WE HAVE CONSULTED OTHER PLANETS ABOUT THIS?
WE HAVE THE AUDACITY TO DECIDE WHO MR. UNIVERSE IS,
AND WE PICK SOMEONE WHO PROBABLY
CAN'T NAME THE PLANETS IN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM.
THINK ABOUT IT THIS WAY.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
IS SELECTED BY AN ELECTORAL COLLEGE
BASED ON POPULAR VOTE.
THE SECRETARY GENERAL OF THE UNITED NATIONS
IS CHOSEN BY A COMMUNITY OF COUNTRIES.
MR. UNIVERSE--FIVE ITALIAN GUYS FROM LONG ISLAND...
THAT SELL EXERCISE EQUIPMENT.
MR. UNIVERSE.
SCHWARZENEGGER, ARNOLD--
HE WAS MR. UNIVERSE A COUPLE TIMES.
YOU THINK HE EVER VIEWED BEING GOVERNOR AS KIND OF A STEP DOWN?
[as Arnold] "THIS IS SO EASY.
"I USED TO RULE THE ENTIRE SOLAR-VERSE.
"ONE MEASLY STATE.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S DOING
AN IMPRESSION OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER."
WHY IS IT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD CAN DO AN IMPRESSION OF ARNOLD?
YET HE CAN'T DO AN IMPRESSION OF SOMEONE
THAT CAN PRONOUNCE THE WORLD "CALIFORNIA."
[as Arnold] "CALI-CAL-- THIS IS SO HARD!
WE NEED WATER!"
IT WOULD BE WEIRD TO HAVE THAT ON YOUR RESUME, RIGHT?
"I SEE HERE IN 2006 YOU WERE MR. UNIVERSE.
"YOU KNOW, HERE, YOU'RE JUST GONNA BE A BOUNCER.
"IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN BE MR. BOUNCER.
"OR MR. BOUNCER-VERSE.
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME."
I ADMIRE PEOPLE THAT GO TO THE GYM.
I JUST CAN'T GET THERE, YOU KNOW.
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LIKE,
"DON'T YOU FEEL GOOD WHEN YOU GO TO THE GYM?"
"NOT AT ALL."
THERE'S TOO MANY PEOPLE IN SHAPE.
I GO TO MCDONALD'S, I FEEL GREAT.
IN MCDONALD'S, I'M LIKE MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY.
"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! THE SKINNY GUY IS HERE!
"THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS.
"THIS IS WHAT A SIZE 38 WAIST LOOKS LIKE.
READ IT AND WEEP, Y'ALL."
MCCONAUGHEY'S IN THAT TYPE OF SHAPE
WHERE HE CAN TOUCH HIS BELLY.
BUT IF YOU'RE PUDGY AND YOU TOUCH YOUR BELLY,
PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "EW."
'CAUSE IT USUALLY MEANS YOU'RE ABOUT TO BURP.
GOOD EMPANADA.
THERE'S SOME THIN PEOPLE AT MY GYM.
I SAW THIS ONE WOMAN.
SHE WAS SO SKINNY YOU COULD ACTUALLY SEE HER RIBS.
AND ALL I COULD THINK WAS, "I HAVEN'T HAD A MCRIB IN FOREVER."
AND THOSE ARE DELICIOSO.
I REFERENCE MCDONALD'S A LOT, 'CAUSE I GO TO MCDONALD'S.
I LOVE THE SILENCE THAT FOLLOWS THAT STATEMENT.
LIKE I JUST ADMITTED TO SUPPORT DOG FIGHTING OR SOMETHING.
"HOW COULD YOU? MCDONALD'S!"
IT'S FUN TELLING PEOPLE YOU GO TO MCDONALD'S.
THEY ALWAYS GIVE YOU THAT LOOK LIKE,
"OH, I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS BETTER THAN YOU."
NO ONE ADMITS TO GOING TO MCDONALD'S.
THEY SELL SIX BILLION HAMBURGERS A DAY.
THERE'S ONLY 300 MILLION PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY.
IT'S LIKE, "HMM, I'M NOT A CALCULUS TEACHER, BUT...
I THINK EVERYONE'S LYING."
YOU EVER BEEN TO MCDONALD'S AND YOU SEE A FRIEND?
FOR A SECOND, YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, CRAP!"
EVENTUALLY, YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON?"
THEY'RE JUST LIKE, "I'M JUST HERE FOR THE 99-CENT ATM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, JIM?"
"I'M JUST MEETING A HOOKER.
"CERTAINLY NOT EATING HERE, THAT'S FOR SURE.
YEAH. HE SHOULD BE HERE BY NOW."
'CAUSE WE ALL KNOW BETTER, RIGHT?
WE'VE ALL READ THE ARTICLES, SEEN THOSE DOCUMENTARIES.
IT'S THE SAME MESSAGE.
"LOOK, MCDONALD'S IS REALLY BAD FOR YOU.
"IT'S VERY HIGH IN FAT AND CALORIES,
AND WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE MEAT COMES FROM."
AND WE'RE ALL LIKE, "THAT'S DISGUSTING!
"I'LL HAVE A BIG MAC, A LARGE FRY,
AND A TWO-GALLON DRUM OF DIET COKE."
'CAUSE THERE'S A MCDONALD'S DENIAL.
AND WE ALL EMBRACE IT.
NO ONE'S GOING IN THERE INNOCENT.
WE'RE WALKING INTO A RED AND YELLOW BUILDING
WITH A GIANT "M" OVER IT.
"WHAT'S THIS? A LIBRARY?
WELL, I'LL GET SOME FRIES WHILE I'M HERE."
'CAUSE THOSE MCDONALD'S FRIES ARE TRULY AMAZING.
HAS YOUR MOTHER EVER MADE ANYTHING
AS GOOD AS A MCDONALD'S FRY?
NOT EVEN CLOSE.
WE LIE TO OURSELVES WHEN WE EAT MCDONALD'S FRIES.
WE'RE LIKE, "OH, THEY'RE SO THIN THEY COULDN'T BE FATTENING."
YOU EVER EAT TOO MANY MCDONALD'S FRIES?
OF COURSE NOT!
THERE'S NEVER ENOUGH OF 'EM!
THERE'S ALWAYS THAT MOMENT
WHEN YOU'RE EATING MCDONALD'S FRIES
WHERE YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT HAPPENED?
WHERE'D THEY GO?"
THEN YOU START SCROUNGING FOR THE FRY CRUMBS.
YOU'RE LIKE...
"OH, THAT'S JUST A PIECE OF PAPER FROM THE STRAW.
BUT IT WAS TOUCHING THE FRIES, SO..."
SOMETIMES, THERE'S A LOOSE FRY IN THE BAG.
YOU KNOW, THE BONUS FRY.
IT'S LIKE JESUS IS UP IN HEAVEN,
"GIVE HIM AN EXTRA FRY.
HE'LL PAY IT FORWARD."
BY THE WAY, THAT'S HOW JESUS SOUNDS.
OR AT LEAST I HOPE.
YOU WOULDN'T WANNA MEET JESUS AND HE'S LIKE
[high-pitched Southern] "HEY, Y'ALL, HOW YOU DOIN'?
"YOU BEEN TURNING THAT OTHER CHEEK?
I GAVE YOU THAT BONUS FRY FOR A REASON."
THAT BONUS FRY-- IT'S NEVER A REGULAR-SIZE FRY.
IT'S ALWAYS EXTRA LONG. YOU'RE LIKE, "HOW'D I MISS YOU?"
BONUS FRY, YOU GET YOUR OWN KETCHUP PACKET."
YOU ALWAYS SAVOR THE LAST FRY.
YOU'RE LIKE, "I'M GONNA TURN THIS INTO TEN BITES.
I'LL MEET UP WITH YOU LATER. I GOT THE BONUS FRY."
THOSE FRIES ARE AMAZING.
FOR WHAT, LIKE SEVEN MINUTES?
THEN THEY TURN INTO SOMETHING THAT'S LIKELY NOT BIODEGRADABLE.
YOU EVER MAKE THE MISTAKE
OF REHEATING MCDONALD'S FRIES IN THE MICROWAVE?
THEY BECOME PACKING PEANUTS.
DOESN'T STOP YOU FROM EATING THEM.
YOU'RE LIKE, "THESE AREN'T EVEN GOOD ANYMORE.
HOW ARE YOURS? YEAH, YOURS AREN'T GOOD EITHER."
FRIES CAN'T GET COLD. SHAKES CAN'T GET WARM.
YOU EVER LEAVE A MCDONALD'S SHAKE OUT FOR AN HOUR?
REALITY SETS IN.
"AH, THIS ISN'T EVEN MADE FROM MILK.
IT'S JUST SOME KINDA CHOCOLATE MUCUS."
BUT WE KNOW ALL THIS.
WE KNOW THOSE MCDONALD'S COMMERCIALS AREN'T REALISTIC.
I'D JUST LIKE TO SEE ONE COMMERCIAL
THAT SHOW PEOPLE FIVE MINUTES AFTER THEY ATE MCDONALD'S.
"UGH.
"NOW I NEED A CIGARETTE.
I DESERVE A CIGARETTE BREAK TODAY."
BUT THEY GET US IN THERE.
SOME OF THOSE DEALS THEY OFFER ARE JUST CRUEL.
TWO BIG MACS FOR TWO BUCKS?
I DRIVE BY, I'M LIKE,
"WELL, I DON'T WANNA LOSE MONEY ON THIS.
I'LL GET 80 OF 'EM."
I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE LIKE, "SORRY, WHITE TRASH GUY.
I DON'T EAT MCDONALD'S."
I HAVE FRIENDS THAT BRAG ABOUT NOT GOING TO MCDONALD'S.
I WOULD NEVER GO TO MCDONALD'S.
WELL, MCDONALD'S WOULDN'T WANT YOU, 'CAUSE YOU'RE A DICK.
[cheers and applause]
I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE ACTING LIKE THEY'RE BETTER THAN MCDONALD'S.
IT'S LIKE YOU MAY HAVE NEVER SET FOOT IN MCDONALD'S,
BUT YOU HAVE YOUR OWN MCDONALD'S.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE INSTEAD OF BUYING A BIG MAC,
YOU READ US WEEKLY.
"HEY, THAT'S STILL MCDONALD'S.
IT'S JUST SERVED UP A LITTLE DIFFERENT."
MAYBE YOUR MCDONALD'S IS TELLING YOURSELF
THAT STARBUCKS FRAPPUCCINO IS NOT A MILKSHAKE.
OR MAYBE YOU WATCH GLEE.
IT'S ALL MCDONALD'S.
MCDONALD'S OF THE SOUL.
MOMENTARY PLEASURE FOLLOWED BY INCREDIBLE GUILT
EVENTUALLY LEADING TO CANCER.
♪ I'M LOVIN' IT ♪
[cheers and applause]
WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN. WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN MCDONALD'S.
IT MAY TAKE ME A WHILE TO DIGEST
MY QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE.
BUT THAT TRAMP STAMP IS FOREVER.
♪ DO-DO DO DO DO DO ♪
♪ MISTAKE ♪
REALLY, IT'S ALL MCDONALD'S OUT THERE.
RIGHT?
HOW CAN WE ALL NAME THREE PEOPLE
THAT HAVE DATED JENNIFER ANISTON?
IT'S MCDONALD'S!
AND WE GOBBLE IT UP JUST LIKE THOSE MCDONALD'S FRIES.
IT'S LIKE, "WHO'S SHE DATING NOW? NUM NUM.
"I KNOW I SHOULDN'T, BUT IT'S SO SALTY.
"IS SHE PREGNANT YET? THAT'S NOT EVEN MY BUSINESS.
"SCARLETT JOHANSSON GOT A HAIRCUT?
WHY DO I GIVE A SHIT?" 'CAUSE IT'S MCDONALD'S.
AND IT FEELS GOOD GOING DOWN.
BY THE WAY, IF YOU CARE WHO PRINCE WILLIAM MARRIED,
THAT'S BURGER KING.
THAT'S NOT EVEN OUR GOSSIP.
I JUST LOVE THE SOCIETAL OUTRAGE OF MCDONALD'S.
"MCDONALD'S! THERE'S NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE.
THERE'S NO VITAMINS."
MCDONALD'S IS LIKE, "EXCUSE ME, WE SELL BURGERS AND FRIES.
"WE NEVER SAID WE WERE A FARMER'S MARKET.
"HECK, OUR SPOKESMAN IS A PEDOPHILE CLOWN FROM THE '70s.
[cheers and applause]
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US, AMERICA?"
WE TREAT MCDONALD'S HORRIBLY.
WE BEHAVE LIKE SOME HORMONAL TEENAGER
DEALING WITH THEIR PARENTS.
"I HATE YOU! YOU'RE GROSS!
WHEN'S DINNER?"
REALLY, GOING TO MCDONALD'S IS KIND OF LIKE ATTENDING
A FAMILY REUNION.
YOU'RE ALWAYS EXCITED TO GO.
YOU'RE LIKE, "THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME."
AND THEN WHEN YOU GET THERE, YOU'RE LIKE,
"OH, I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD BE HERE."
THEN WHEN YOU LEAVE YOU'RE LIKE...
"I THINK I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF."
BUT I WAS RAISED ON MCDONALD'S, AND I TURNED OUT--
WELL, MAYBE THAT'S NOT THE BEST REASONING.
MCDONALD'S HAS GIVEN US SO MUCH.
WE WOULDN'T KNOW WHEN BREAKFAST ENDS
IF THERE WAS NO MCDONALD'S.
I'D BE EATING EGGS AT 5:00 p.m. LIKE A MORON.
THANK YOU, MCDONALD'S.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS COMING UP
WITHOUT THE SHAMROCK SHAKE?
THANK YOU, MCDONALD'S.
WITHOUT MCDONALD'S, HOW WOULD I COMMUNICATE TO THE WORLD
THAT I GIVE UP?
'CAUSE IF YOU'RE OVER THE AGE OF TEN
AND YOU'RE EATING MCDONALD'S,
YOU'VE GIVEN UP A LITTLE BIT.
"AH, IT'S ALL OVER FOR ME.
THESE FRIES TASTE GOOD ANYWAY."
I GOTTA LAY OFF THE MCDONALD'S. I DO.
I'VE GOTTEN SO OUT OF SHAPE,
I DON'T EVEN FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING WORK-OUT CLOTHES.
I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THE SALES PEOPLE LOOK AT ME LIKE,
"OUR RESTROOMS ARE FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY."
I GET INTIMIDATED BY THE WALL OF ATHLETIC SHOES.
YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE, LIKE, A SHOE FOR EVERY ACTIVITY.
I ALWAYS GET CAUGHT UP IN THE STYLES.
I'M LIKE, "I LIKE THE BLUE ONES."
"THEY'RE FOR POLE VAULTING."
"HOW ABOUT THE GREY ONES?" "CROSS TRAINERS."
"IS THERE A SLIPPER SECTION?
I JUST NEED TO GET BETWEEN PLACES WHERE I'M SITTING DOWN."
SLIPPERS ARE KIND OF MY PACE, I GUESS.
EVEN THE PERSON WHO NAMED SLIPPERS WAS LAZY.
"ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANNA CALL THESE THINGS WE SLIP ON?"
"UH, SSSSLIPPERS."
"UH-HUH."
I DID SEE THE SPEED WALKING SHOE.
I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE'S A SPEED WALKER HERE,
BUT IF YOU ARE, YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS.
EVER SEE THE SPEED WALKERS? THEY'RE LIKE, "EH, EH."
THEY ALWAYS LOOK LIKE A LITTLE KID
THAT'S BEEN TOLD NOT TO RUN AROUND THE POOL.
"NO RUNNING!" "I'M NOT RUNNING!"
OR SOMEONE IN A DESPERATE YET POLITE HURRY
TO GET TO THE BATHROOM.
"JUST HAD INDIAN FOOD. EXCUSE ME.
"A DIARRHEA JOKE? ALREADY?
COME ON, FELLA."
OF COURSE THE WEIRDEST SHOES ARE THOSE BABY VERSIONS
OF THE ADULT SHOES.
MY BROTHER IN LAW BOUGHT OUR FIVE-MONTH-OLD
THESE TINY TIMBERLAND HIKING BOOTS.
AND OUR BABY CAN'T WALK...
LET ALONE HIKE.
MY BROTHER IN LAW WAS LIKE, "THEY'RE CUTE."
THEY'RE ONLY CUTE 'CAUSE THEY'RE IRONIC.
IT'S LIKE GIVING A BLIND PERSON A MICROSCOPE.
"LOOK AT HIM FUMBLE WITH THAT.
"ISN'T THAT ADORABLE? I GOTTA GET A PICTURE.
HE'S HOLDING IT UPSIDE DOWN."
"SHOE JOKES? REALLY? IS THAT WHAT HE'S DOING?
"FOR HIS SPECIAL, HE'S DOING SHOE JOKES.
WHAT'S NEXT, SOCKS?"
YOU EVER LOSE A SOCK?
HOW LONG ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO HOLD ON TO THAT OTHER ONE?
'CAUSE I GOT LIKE 80 OF THEM.
BUT I KNOW ONCE I GET RID OF IT,
THE OTHER ONE'S GONNA SHOW UP, "HEY, WHERE'S MY BROTHER?"
"HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE.
HE'S IN SOCK HEAVEN."
I THINK IT'S STRANGE WHEN THE ELASTIC GOES ON SOCKS.
IT'S LIKE THE SOCK SAYING, "I RETIRED, I'M DONE.
"NO LONGER A SOCK. NOW I'M JUST KIND OF A SACK.
YOU COULD STORE MARBLES IN ME, BUT THAT SOCK BUSINESS IS OVER."
THAT HAPPENS TO UNDERWEAR TOO, THE ELASTIC GOES.
IT'S LIKE THE UNDERWEAR SAYING, "I QUIT!
"I'M TIRED OF COVERING YOUR ASS!
"THIS JOB STINKS!
"NOT GONNA TAKE YOUR CRAP ANYMORE.
OTHER PUNS."
IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE IN D.C. I LOVE D.C.
I, UH-- [cheers and applause]
I'M STAYING AT A NICE HOTEL HERE.
ALL HOTELS ARE NICE THAT FIRST NIGHT, RIGHT?
YOU'RE LIKE, "THIS IS PRETTY SWEET."
THEN THE NEXT DAY YOU'RE LIKE, "THIS PLACE IS A DUMP!"
'CAUSE WE GET SPOILED SO QUICKLY IN HOTELS, YOU KNOW?
THEY COULD HAVE THE NICEST AMENITIES,
BUT AFTER A COUPLE DAYS YOU'RE LIKE, "HUH.
"SAME CHOCOLATE ON THE PILLOW.
YOU'D THINK BY NOW THEY'D KNOW I LIKE PEANUT BUTTER."
I STAYED AT THE ANIMAL KINGDOM LODGE IN DISNEY.
THERE WERE GIRAFFES RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW.
BUT BY THE END OF THE WEEK, I WAS LIKE,
"GIRAFFE AGAIN.
"HOW ABOUT A LION?
"HOW ABOUT A LION EATING A GIRAFFE?
THAT WOULD BE MAGICAL, DISNEY."
'CAUSE WE GET SPOILED.
IN HOTELS, THERE'S A SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT.
YOU EVER LEAVE FOR THE DAY AND YOU COME BACK
AND THEY HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO CLEAN YOUR ROOM?
THERE'S A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF OUTRAGE.
"[exhales] EXCUSE ME.
"THERE IS A TOWEL ON THE FLOOR OF MY BATHROOM.
"CAN YOU SEND A MAID OR A MANSERVANT TO PICK IT UP?
I DEMAND WE BURN THE PEASANT VILLAGE."
THEY SPOIL US.
I ALWAYS FEEL GUILTY WHEN I GET OUT OF THE CAB,
THE BELLHOP'S LIKE, "CAN I HELP WITH YOUR BACKPACK?"
"UH, NO.
"BUT HERE'S FIVE BUCKS.
"SORRY YOU HAVE TO DRESS LIKE CAPTAIN CRUNCH.
I DO ENJOY YOUR CRUNCH BERRIES."
IT'S AWKWARD.
I THINK IT'S AWKWARD
WHEN SOMEONE KNOCKS ON YOUR HOTEL DOOR.
IT'S LIKE...
"WHAT-WHAT-- WHO EVEN KNOWS I'M IN HERE?
IS THAT THE FBI?"
THEN YOU HAVE TO LOOK THROUGH THAT HOTEL DOOR PEEPHOLE.
DOES ANYONE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF A PEEPHOLE
NOT LOOK LIKE A SERIAL KILLER?
"I ORDERED A CHEESEBURGER,
BUT I THINK IT'S THE GRIM REAPER."
I THINK IT'S GREAT SOME HOTELS PROVIDE STATIONERY.
'CAUSE THE FIRST THING I LIKE TO DO WHEN I GET TO MY HOTEL ROOM
IS WRITE A LETTER.
"MY DEAREST GWENDOLYN,
"I ARRIVED BY NIGHTFALL AT THE EMBASSY SUITES.
"IT WILL BE A FORTNIGHT, AFTER MY RETURN,
"THAT THIS LETTER SHALL ARRIVE."
"ALLOW TO EXPLAIN THE CURIOUS CHARGE IN THE LEDGER.
"IT IS BECAUSE I MISS THEE SO MUCH DARLING
"THAT I ACCIDENTALLY ORDERED SORORITY SISTERS 7."
SOME HOTELS, THEY KINDA PUSH THAT PORN ON YOU.
SOME POOR GUY JUST TURNS ON THE TV,
THEY'RE LIKE, "[female voice] AFTER HOURS."
"IT'S 9:00 a.m.
I'M ON MY WAY TO A BUSINESS MEETING."
"[female voice] AFTER HOURS."
"I'M HERE FOR MY GRANDMA'S MEMORIAL."
"[female voice] AFTER HOURS."
"WELL, MAYBE AFTER THE MEMORIAL. I DON'T--"
I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME IN HOTELS, I DO, YEAH.
SOMETIMES AT NIGHT, I FIND MYSELF THINKING
OF THE HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF INTERESTING PEOPLE
THAT HAVE STAYED IN MY ROOM,
AND THEN I'LL JUST GET UP AND SLEEP IN THE TUB.
[laughter]
'CAUSE THAT'S NASTY.
YOU COULDN'T GIVE AWAY A USED MATTRESS,
BUT WE'LL PAY 100 BUCKS TO SLEEP ON ONE FOR A NIGHT.
THANKS, PRICELINE!
HERE, LET ME SLIP ON THIS ROBE
SOMEONE ELSE WORE 12 HOURS AGO.
AH, LUXURY.
THE AMOUNT OF DENIAL WE EMBRACE WHEN WE STAY IN A HOTEL
IS STAGGERING.
IF YOU KNEW A STRANGER USED YOUR BATH TOWEL AT HOME ONCE,
YOU'D BE LIKE, "BURN IT AND BURY IT IN THE BACKYARD."
BUT WE GET IN A HOTEL, AND WE'RE LIKE...
[humming]
"I'M SURE THE BUSINESS GUY BEFORE ME
ONLY DRIED HIS ELBOW WITH THIS TOWEL."
WE CHANGE, ENTITLEMENT.
WE BECOME LAZY.
YOU SEE THAT AROUND THE MINI BAR, RIGHT?
YOU'RE LIKE, "EIGHT BUCKS FOR A COKE?
"WELL, IT'S EITHER THIS,
"OR WALK DOWN THE HALL TO THE VENDING MACHINE.
WHO'S GOT TIME FOR THAT? I'M NAKED."
I'M ALWAYS NAKED IN MY HOTEL ROOM.
HEY, IT'S NOT MY COUCH.
[humming]
THERE IS ALWAYS THAT REALIZATION,
"MAYBE I'M NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO DO THAT!"
'CAUSE YOU'RE NEVER THE FIRST PERSON
TO DO ANYTHING IN A HOTEL ROOM.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS WERE BASED ON WHAT'S ALREADY HAPPENED
IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM.
THAT'S WHY THERE'S A BIBLE IN THERE--FOR REFERENCES.
LIKE, "OH, THAT HAPPENED TOO?
"OH, NO.
I'M SLEEPING IN THE TUB FOR SURE."
[laughter]
WE CHANGE IN HOTELS.
WE ALL KIND OF TURN INTO KLEPTOS,
WE'RE ALL LIKE, "AH, WHAT CAN I TAKE IN HERE?
"TIME TO MAKE SOME MONEY BACK.
"[laughs] LOOKS LIKE I DON'T HAVE TO BUY SHAMPOO
"FOR, LIKE, A DAY.
KA-CHING!"
THE ONLY TOILETRY I DON'T TAKE
IS THE SHOWER CAP, YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE I'M ONE OF THOSE WEIRD PEOPLE
WHO LIKES CLEAN HAIR.
I'VE NEVER EVEN MET ANYONE WHO'S USED A SHOWER CAP.
PROBABLY 'CAUSE THEY ALL DIED 80 YEARS AGO.
IF YOU ARE THE ODDBALL WHO'S GONNA USE A SHOWER CAP,
YOU PROBABLY BROUGHT YOUR OWN.
AND A FEW EXTRA FOR THE REST OF THE GOLDEN GIRLS.
SOME HOTELS TREAT YOU LIKE A KLEPTO.
YOU GO IN THE CLOSET, THEY HAVE THOSE HANGERS
WITH TWO PARTS OF THE TINY BABY HEAD,
SO YOU DON'T STEAL THEM.
"OH, REALLY, HOTEL?
"YOU DON'T TRUST ME WITH THE REAL HANGERS?
"WELL, JUST FOR THAT, I'M GONNA STEAL THE WHOLE DAMN CLOSET.
LET'S SEE HOW THIS ROOM WORKS SANS CLOSET."
[laughs] THIS IS HOW I WOULD CARRY A CLOSET.
"THAT'S NOT HOW YOU CARRY A CLOSET.
THAT'S THE WORST CLOSET CARRYING I'VE EVER SEEN."
THERE'S ALWAYS THAT PLASTIC BAG FOR THE HOTEL LAUNDRY SERVICE.
I DID THAT ONCE.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN CHEAPER TO HAVE MY CREDIT CARD STOLEN.
$10 TO WASH A PAIR OF UNDERWEAR THAT COST THREE BUCKS?
WHAT, DID YOU CLEAN IT WITH CHAMPAGNE?
I DO LOVE THAT WAKE-UP CALL, RIGHT?
HOW'D THAT START? WAS SOMEBODY LIKE,
"UH, YEAH, MY MOMMY'S NOT HERE.
"SO I'M GONNA NEED SOMEONE TO WAKE ME UP.
"BY THE WAY, NO ONE TUCKED ME IN YET.
"LET'S GO FOR A STROLL.
"YOU GOT GOODNIGHT MOON DOWN THERE?
HOW 'BOUT HARRY THE DIRTY DOG? THAT'S A GOOD ONE."
I SEEM TO STAY IN A LOT OF HOTELS
THAT HAVE THE INDOOR SWIMMING POOL.
YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL A HOTEL HAS AN INDOOR POOL,
'CAUSE THEIR LOBBY WILL SMELL LIKE A BUCKET OF BLEACH.
"UH, DO YOU GUYS HAVE AN INDOOR POOL,
"OR DID SOMEONE JUST CLEAN UP A MURDER SCENE?
'CAUSE MY EYES ARE BLEEDING, AND..."
OCCASIONALLY I'LL HIT THE INDOOR POOL.
THAT'S ALWAYS RELAXING, RIGHT?
UNTIL ANYONE ELSE SHOWS UP.
'CAUSE THEN YOU'RE JUST IN THAT GIGANTIC TUB,
ESSENTIALLY IN YOUR UNDERWEAR,
WITH SOME STRANGER LURKING THERE.
THE POLITE THING TO DO IS IGNORE THE OTHER PERSON.
'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN SAY AT THAT POINT
THAT DOESN'T SOUND CREEPY.
CAN'T BE LIKE, "HEY, HOP IN!
"WHAT ROOM ARE YOU STAYING IN?
"I DIDN'T SHOWER BEFORE I GOT IN HERE.
KIND OF COUNT THIS AS A BATH."
SOMETIMES, THEY HAVE LOUNGE CHAIRS, YOU KNOW.
WHO'S LOUNGING AROUND AN INDOOR POOL?
"AFTER THIS CHEMICAL BATH, WHAT DO YOU SAY
"WE GRAB SOME FLUORESCENT LIGHT?
"BREATHE IN SOME POISONOUS FUMES.
"TOWEL OFF WITH A DISH RAG?
"THINK ABOUT IT.
"MAYBE I'LL BUY YOU A DRINK FROM THE VENDING MACHINE.
YOU DON'T HAVE EIGHT BUCKS IN QUARTERS ON YOU, DO YOU?"
WHATEVER A STRANGER'S DOING IN THE HOTEL POOL
IS IMMEDIATELY ANNOYING, RIGHT?
LIKE THAT GUY THAT SWIMS LAPS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, "SETTLE DOWN, SPAZ-O!
YOU'RE AT THE RAMADA, NOT THE OLYMPICS."
AND IF YOU'RE A GUY OVER THE AGE OF 30
BY YOURSELF IN THE HOTEL POOL,
YOU AUTOMATICALLY LOOK LIKE A MURDERER...
WHO'S JUST RELAXING AFTER HE STRANGLED A FAMILY.
"YEAH, THAT DAD WAS A TOUGH ONE TO KILL.
WHAT ROOM ARE YOU STAYIN' IN?"
YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOTEL POOL,
AND THERE'S A COUPLE IN THERE MAKIN' OUT?
IT'S ALWAYS CHARMING IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES
WHEN A COUPLE KISSES IN PUBLIC,
BUT WHEN YOU'RE SHARING THE SAME WATER, IT'S ICKY.
YOU'RE LIKE, "AH, DON'T MIND ME.
"THIS ISN'T AWKWARD.
WHAT ROOM ARE YOU STAYIN' IN?"
OF COURSE, NO ONE LOVES THE HOTEL POOL
MORE THAN KIDS, YOU KNOW.
WHENEVER I SEE A LITTLE KID IN THE HOTEL POOL,
I JUST THINK, "I AM SWIMMING IN A TOILET."
IT'S THE FIRST TIME A KID CAN MULTITASK.
"I CAN PLAY AND PEE!
"THIS IS AMAZING!
WHAT ROOM ARE YOU STAYIN' IN?"
I JUST LOVE THE CHARACTERS YOU'LL SEE IN A HOTEL POOL.
OCCASIONALLY, IT'LL BE LIKE A SWEET OLD LADY.
SOMEONE'S GREAT GRANDMA, 90 YEARS OLD, PADDLING AROUND.
"I HAVEN'T BEEN IN A POOL SINCE THE '30s."
WHY DO OLD LADIES ALWAYS SWIM LIKE THIS?
"IF I MY HAIR GETS WET, I'LL MELT.
"GOOD THING I BROUGHT MY SHOWER CAP.
"I MADE THIS SUIT OUT OF CURTAINS UPSTAIRS.
WHAT ROOM AM I STAYING IN?"
[laughter and applause]
SPEAKING OF SWIMMING POOLS,
MY BROTHER HAS AN ABOVE-GROUND SWIMMING POOL,
AS IF YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS WHITE TRASH ALREADY.
YOU DON'T REALLY SWIM IN AN ABOVE-GROUND POOL.
YOU JUST KIND OF WADE AROUND WITH A BEER.
"AH, IT'S JUST LIKE A REGULAR POOL,
BUT NOT RELAXING OR FUN."
I GUESS I'LL HEAD TO THE DEEP END/MIDDLE.
WHOO!
THERE IS NO GRACEFUL WAY TO GET IN AN ABOVE-GROUND POOL.
YOU ALWAYS LOOK LIKE YOU'RE SNEAKING INTO
A GIANT CUP OF TEA.
"I HOPE THE MAD HATTER'S NOT IN HERE."
BUT I LOVE THOSE ABOVE-GROUND POOLS.
IT ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE THE OWNER COULDN'T MAKE THE COMMITMENT.
"YOU KNOW, I LIKE TO SWIM,
"BUT I ALSO WANT TO DESTROY THE VALUE OF MY HOUSE.
"I NEED SOMETHING TO GO IN BETWEEN THE ABANDONED CAR
"AND THE REFRIGERATOR WITHOUT A DOOR.
WHAT TO DO?"
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SWIM A LOT, YOU KNOW.
YOU ALWAYS HEAR SWIMMING'S THE BEST EXERCISE,
BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HOW FAT WHALES ARE?
WHALES, THEY'RE, LIKE, SWIMMING ALL THE TIME.
"IT'S NOT WORKING, WHALES.
NOT WORKING."
[imitates whale call]
WHALES ALWAYS KIND OF SOUND DEPRESSED, DON'T THEY?
[imitates whale call]
"REJECTED BY eHARMONY."
[imitates whale call]
"MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY."
[imitates whale call]
"WHY AM I SO BAD AT HIDE-AND-SEEK?
THE FISH ALWAYS FIND ME."
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF WE FOUND OUT
WHALES WERE IN COMPLETE DENIAL
ABOUT HOW HUGE THEY ARE?
THEY'RE LIKE, [imitates whale call]
"IT'S MOSTLY WATER WEIGHT.
GOT A LOT OF WATER WEIGHT."
[laughs]
ONCE, AFTER A SHOW, SOMEONE CAME UP TO ME,
THEY WERE LIKE, "YOU KNOW, WHALES AREN'T FAT.
THEY HAVE A LAYER OF BLUBBER."
AND I THOUGHT CALLING MYSELF BIG-BONED WAS A COP-OUT.
BLUBBER? THAT'S LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF MUSCLE.
IT GOES LIKE, MUSCULAR, TONED, FLABBY,
AND THEN LIKE A MILE AWAY IS BLUBBER.
IF FAT MADE A NOISE, IT'D BE, "BLUB-BER."
[imitates whale calling]
[laughter and applause]
"DAMN YOU, PLANKTON. YOU DON'T EVEN TASTE GOOD."
PLANKTON? THAT CAN'T BE THAT HIGH IN CALORIES.
THAT'S GOTTA BE FRUSTRATING FOR SOME WHALES.
ALL THEY EAT IS PLANKTON.
"I ONLY EAT PLANKTON."
YOU KNOW, THE FISH ARE LIKE, "AND CUPCAKES."
"JUST PLANKTON."
"SPRINKLED ON PIZZA."
"IT'S MOSTLY WATER WEIGHT."
[imitates whale calling]
[laughs]
I DO LOVE WHALES.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET THE WRONG IDEA.
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THERE ARE PEOPLE
THAT ARE ANTI-WHALE ANYWAY.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, "[gasps] DON'T BRING UP WHALES
AROUND MY DAD-- HE'LL GO OFF."
"AHEM, DAMN WHALES ARE ALL FAT AND LAZY.
"LIVIN' OFF THE GOVERNMENT.
"TAKIN' OUR JOBS. BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH.
BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH--" [laughs]
"BLAH-BLAH-BLAH- BLAH-BLAH-BLAH."
[imitates whale call]
WHALES MUST HAVE POOR BODY IMAGE, YOU KNOW.
CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING A PART OF YOUR BODY CALLED A BLOW HOLE?
AND IT'S ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD?
YOU THINK WHEN WHALES GET OLDER,
THEY HAVE LESS CONTROL OVER THEIR BLOW HOLE?
THEY'RE JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF A NORMAL CONVERSATION.
"WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU AND I GRAB SOME PLANKTON?"
[imitates air gushing]
"EXCUSE ME.
"THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.
"I WAS JUST IN THE INDIAN OCEAN,
AND MY STOMACH REALLY CAN'T HANDLE THAT."
[laughter and applause]
[imitates whale call]
THE OLD WHALE GEOGRAPHY DIARRHEA JOKE,
COMIN' IN HANDY.
YOU ALWAYS HEAR THE NUMBER ONE KILLER OF WHALES--
MANKIND, YOU KNOW, AS IF THERE'S TONS OF COMPETITION.
"LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE LEADERBOARD
OF WHALE KILLERS.
"STILL NUMBER ONE: MANKIND.
"NUMBER TWO, THE PELICAN WITH THE MACHINE GUN.
"AND A DISTANT THIRD, THE LION ON A JET SKI.
BACK TO YOU, BILL."
[imitates whale call]
I DO LOVE WHALES. WENT WHALE WATCHING.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER DONE THAT.
WE WERE SITTING THERE FOR A COUPLE HOURS,
AND THEN I SAW A WHALE, AND I TELL YOU, I REALIZED
I HAD WASTED HALF A DAY.
I HAD PAID $100 TO SEE SOMETHING
I WOULDN'T WATCH ON TELEVISION.
WE WERE TOLD BY THE CAPTAIN--
OR, MORE ACCURATELY, SLURRED AT...
BY THE WAY, WHEN ARE YOU A CAPTAIN
AND WHEN ARE YOU JUST A DRUNK GUY WITH A BOAT?
'CAUSE BASED ON OUR CAPTAIN, WE SHOULD START
CALLING HOMELESS PEOPLE BOATLESS PEOPLE.
'CAUSE IF THEY HAD A BOAT,
THEY'D BE A CAPTAIN.
OUR CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN MORGAN,
HE, UH...
HE TOLD US THE WHALE WE SAW WAS A SPERM WHALE.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHO CAME UP WITH THAT NAME.
MAYBE LIKE AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD BOY.
"I'LL SAY IT'S SPERM WHALE OR BOOGER WHALE."
SPERM WHALE? REALLY?
THERE WASN'T ONE SCIENTIST BACK THEN TO BE LIKE,
"WELL, OBVIOUSLY, WE'RE NOT REALLY GONNA
"CALL IT THE SPERM WHALE.
THIS IS GONNA BE IN TEXTBOOKS. COME ON, PEOPLE!"
SPERM WHA--THERE WAS--
WHAT KIND OF MINDSET WOULD YOU HAVE TO BE IN?
"YEAH, TO ME, IT LOOKS LIKE A GIANT SPERM."
YEAH, TO ME IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU SHOULDN'T BE NAMING ANIMALS.
AND PLEASE DON'T OPEN A HOT DOG STAND.
EVEN IF I THOUGHT SOMETHING LOOKED LIKE A SPERM,
I WOULDN'T ADMIT IT.
"JIM, WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT WHALE LOOKS LIKE?"
"WELL, IT CERTAINLY DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A SPERM.
LET'S GET THAT OUT OF THE WAY."
EVEN IF I WAS ASKED TO LOOK THROUGH A MICROSCOPE
AND IDENTIFY SPERM, I'D BE LIKE,
"HUH, LOOK AT THAT. MINIATURE WHALES."
[imitates whale call]
I IDENTIFY WITH WHALES.
YOU KNOW, I STRUGGLE WITH MY WEIGHT.
I'M ON THIS FANCY DIET.
THAT DOMINO'S PASTA BREAD BOWL DIET.
[high-pitched] IT'S GOING ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
[normal voice] HAVE YOU SEEN THE DOMINO'S PASTA BREAD BOWL?
IT'S A BREAD BOWL FILLED WITH PASTA,
COVERED IN CHEESE.
THE ONLY INGREDIENT MISSING: A SUICIDE NOTE.
I MEAN...
I EAT UNHEALTHY.
I ACTUALLY ENJOY EATING UNHEALTHY.
BUT A DOMINO'S PASTA BREAD BOWL?
I MEAN...I GOT KIDS.
I DON'T WANT ONE OF THEM IN A THERAPIST'S OFFICE.
"IF MY DAD LOVED ME, WHY WOULD HE EAT
A DOMINO'S PASTA BREAD BOWL?"
PASTA IN A BREAD BOWL?
THAT'S A SIGN OF A SERIOUS EATING DISORDER, ISN'T IT?
"I WAS OUT OF CONTROL.
"I WAS PUTTIN' PASTA IN BREAD BOWLS.
"IT'S A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE I COVER IT WITH CHEESE.
"I NEEDED HELP. I WENT TO A MEETING.
IT WORKED OUT."
[laughs]
I LOVE HOW DOMINO'S PRESENTS IT
AS SOME TRADITIONAL ENTREE FROM THE OLD COUNTRY.
[Italian accent] "AH, THE PASTA BREAD BOWL.
"EH, JUST LIKE-A MAMA DOMINO USED TO MAKE.
"EVERY SUNDAY, 'YOU GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN
"'WHEN I MAKE-A THE PASTA BREAD BOWL!
"'WHAT'S-A-MATTER FOR YOU? I BREAK-A YOUR FACE!
ALL THE STEREOTYPICAL PHRASES.'"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU WOULD COME UP WITH THAT IDEA.
"ALL RIGHT, WE NEED A HEALTHY ALTERNATIVE TO THE PIZZA.
SOMETHING LIKE A SALAD."
"UH, DO YOU MEAN LIKE A BREAD BOWL FILLED WITH PASTA,
COVERED IN CHEESE?"
"NO, I WAS THINKING LIKE A SALAD, WITH LETTUCE."
"OH, WE COULD DO THAT. OR...
"WE COULD FILL PASTA WITH BREAD
AND INJECT IT IN PEOPLE'S BUTTS."
"DO YOU EVEN WORK HERE?"
"NO, NOT REALLY."
I LOVE THE IDEA THAT THERE'S SOMEONE
AT THE DOMINO'S HEADQUARTERS
TAKING CREDIT FOR THAT, YOU KNOW?
"JOHNSON, YOU CAME UP WITH THE PASTA BREAD BOWL."
"I SURE DID, SIR."
"YEAH, WE'VE BEEN CONTACTED BY THE HAGUE.
YOU'RE BEING PROSECUTED FOR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY."
I HAVE TRIED THE DOMINO'S PASTA BREAD BOWL.
I WAS AT A PARTY. SOMEONE BROUGHT IT.
AND THEN THEY DIED.
AND I HAVE TO ADMIT, THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS EATING
THE DOMINO'S PASTA BREAD BOWL, I WAS THINKING,
"THIS COULD USE A SIDE OF MASHED POTATOES."
IT WAS CARB-A-LICIOUS.
BUT DOMINO'S IS ALL CARBS, RIGHT?
THEY GOT THE BREADSTICKS AND THE CINNA STICKS.
[gasps] "WHY DON'T WE GET A PIZZA,
"AND AS AN APPETIZER, WE CAN HAVE BREAD.
"AND FOR DESSERT, HOW 'BOUT THIS: BREAD.
"MAYBE I'LL OPEN A NICE BOTTLE OF BREAD.
"WE CAN RUB BREAD ON EACH OTHER.
BREAD BREAD BREAD."
BLAH!
I THINK DOMINO'S IS TRYING TO KILL US.
I CAN'T FIGURE OUT THOSE DOMINO'S DEALS.
YOU CAN GET ONE LARGE PIZZA FOR $15.99,
OR TWO LARGE PIZZAS FOR A NICKEL.
"IF WE GET 'EM SO FAT THEY CAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE,
"THEN THEY HAVE TO CALL US AGAIN.
"IT'S CALLED THE DOMINO'S EFFECT.
SO SIMPLE."
[cheers and applause]
DOMINO'S. NOW OFFERING SANDWICHES.
FINALLY.
PASTA SANDWICHES.
WHENEVER DOMINO'S INTRODUCES A NEW PRODUCT,
I ALWAYS THINK, "I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS
"MASTERED THE PIZZA YET.
"I DON'T THINK THE CRUST AND THE BOX
ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE SAME MATERIAL."
BUT, DOMINO'S, THEY'RE DOING THE SANDWICHES
'CAUSE OF THE SUCCESS OF THOSE SUBWAY RESTAURANTS, RIGHT?
THOSE SUBWAY RESTAURANTS ARE EVERYWHERE.
I GOT ONE BACKSTAGE IN MY BATHROOM.
SUBWAY, THAT WAS A BIT OF A DISAPPOINTMENT, SUBWAY, RIGHT?
YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, SUBWAY, EAT FRESH."
AND THEN YOU BITE IN, YOU'RE LIKE, "NOT SO FRESH."
NOT FRESH AT ALL.
EVEN IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO SUBWAY,
YOU'VE PROBABLY WALKED BY AND BREATHED IN
THAT BREAD EXHAUST THEY PUMP OUT, YEAH.
"AH, THE SMELL OF BREAD THAT WAS JUST BAKED
IN A DIRTY DISHWASHER."
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S MAKING ME HUNGRY
OR CONCERNED FOR THE OZONE."
BUT I GO TO SUBWAY.
YOU KNOW, AND NOT JUST 'CAUSE IT'S FUN WATCHING
A CLINICALLY DEPRESSED PERSON THROW TOGETHER YOUR SANDWICH.
THEY MAKE IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF US.
YOU'D THEY'D DO IT WITH A LITTLE BIT OF FLAIR.
"YOU WANT MAYONNAISE?" "UH, SURE."
[imitates mayonnaise squirting]
"I FEEL LIKE I'M AT BENIHANA.
CAN I GET MY PICTURE WITH YOU?"
IT'S KIND OF AWKWARD WHEN THEY MAKE YOUR SANDWICH.
YOU JUST STAND THERE WISHING THE SNEEZE GUARD
WAS FACING THE OTHER WAY.
[laughter]
AS YOU WATCH THEM DO EVERYTHING
IN THOSE PLASTIC CSI GLOVES
BEFORE THEY MAKE YOUR SANDWICH.
"LET ME JUST TIE UP THIS GARBAGE BAG.
"SCOOP UP THESE HEROIN NEEDLES.
"NOW, WHAT KIND OF TRIANGLE OF CHEESE
WOULD YOU LIKE ON YOUR SUB?"
THAT CHEESE-- THERE ARE MICE
THAT WOULD TURN DOWN THAT CHEESE.
YET WE SILENTLY MIND-WILL THEM
TO TRY AND GIVE US ANOTHER PIECE.
[grunting]
HAVE YOU TRIED ONE OF THE SUBWAY MELTS,
WHERE THEY HEAT UP YOUR SANDWICH IN THAT TOASTER OVEN
THEY STOLE FROM SOMEONE'S DORM ROOM?
IS THIS EVEN A RESTAURANT?
SUBWAY SHOWS YOU HOW LAZY WE'VE GOTTEN, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW, I CAN UNDERSTAND THE CONVENIENCE
OF A BURGER AND FRIES.
YOU KNOW, WHO'S GOT TIME?
WHO'S GOT A DEEP FRYER?
BUT WE'RE TOO LAZY TO MAKE A SANDWICH?
"WELL, I COULD MAKE ONE AT HOME FOR 20 CENTS,
OR I COULD WATCH THE SOCIOPATH MAKE IT."
SUBWAY GUYS ARE NOT SOCIOPATHS.
I MEAN, THEY DO HAVE KIND OF THAT FARAWAY LOOK IN THEIR EYES,
"IN MY COUNTRY, I WAS ATTORNEY GENERAL.
WOULD YOU LIKE SANTA FE SAUCE?"
[imitates sauce squirting]
♪ EAT FRESH ♪
I LOVE ALL THE STEPS YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW AT SUBWAY.
BEFORE THEY SLIDE YOUR SANDWICH IN THAT PLASTIC
AIR SICKNESS BAG.
THE FIRST STEP IS YOU HAVE TO PICK OUT YOUR BREAD,
AND BY THAT THEY MEAN PICK OUT THE COLOR OF YOUR BREAD.
'CAUSE IT ALL TASTES THE SAME.
"DO I WANT THE WHOLE WHEAT-COLORED BREAD
OR THE ITALIAN-COLORED BREAD?"
ALL THE TOPPINGS ARE FREE AT SUBWAY.
"FREE LETTUCE! NO WAY!
"HOW DO YOU GUYS PAY THE RENT?
WHAT'S NEXT, FREE NAPKINS?"
I THINK THE TOPPINGS ARE FREE
TO DISTRACT US FROM THE FACT
WE SHOULDN'T BE PAYING FOR THE MEAT.
THEY'RE SO STINGY WITH THAT NASTY-ASS MEAT AT SUBWAY.
THEY JUST PEEL IT OFF
LIKE IT'S FROM A WAD OF ONES OR SOMETHING.
THEY'RE LIKE...
[New York accent] "HERE'S THREE SLICES OF HAM.
"GET YOURSELF SOMETHIN' NICE, ALL RIGHT?
"DON'T SAY I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN' FOR YOU.
IT'S SO SIMPLE."
HAVE YOU TRIED THE SOUP AT SUBWAY?
AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE TUNA SALAD.
I ALWAYS GET THE TUNA,
WHERE THEY LADLE OUT YOUR TUNA ONTO THE BREAD.
THERE'S ALWAYS THAT WHITE PUDDLE OF TUNA WATER.
IT'S LIKE A TUNA GAZPACHO.
JUST WANNA BRING IN A REALLY LONG STRAW,
AND JUST GO... [slurps]
OH, THAT'S WHERE I CROSSED THE LINE?
[laughter and applause]
[New York accent] "THIS GUY WAS FUNNY
"TILL HE DID THAT TUNA WATER JOKE.
"MY FIANCEE'S ALLERGIC TO TUNA WATER.
"I DON'T APPRECIATE THE INCONSIDERATION.
"AS IF ANYONE IN THE WASHINGTON D.C.
"METROPOLITAN AREA WOULD SOUND LIKE
"THIS VOICE HE'S DOING RIGHT NOW.
"I THINK THE ACCENT ACTUALLY CHANGED
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE JOKE."
[laughs]
[laughter and applause]
SOMEONE TOLD ME THEY SAW A DRIVE-THROUGH SUBWAY.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW THAT WOULD WORK.
"ALL RIGHT, PICK OUT YOUR BREAD, DRIVE UP SIX INCHES.
"LETTUCE, TOMATOES. OH, YOU WANT IT TOASTED?
HONEY, YOU GOTTA DRIVE ALL THE WAY AROUND AGAIN."
IF YOU GO TO SUBWAY AS OFTEN AS I DO,
YOU'LL NOTICE THERE'S A FRONT ROOM
AND THEN THERE'S A BACK ROOM.
SOMETIMES THE SUBWAY GUYS GO IN THE BACK ROOM.
LIKE, "OOH, WHAT'S GOING ON BACK THERE?"
I KNOW THE KITCHEN'S NOT BACK THERE,
'CAUSE THE KITCHEN IS THE TOASTER OVEN.
YOU THINK JARED'S BACK THERE?
"I'M THE GREAT AND POWERFUL JARED.
BRING ME THE BROOMSTICK OF LITTLE CAESAR."
JARED. I SAY JARED,
AND WE ALL KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT, RIGHT?
WE ALL LIKE JARED. HE SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY.
BUT DEEP DOWN, WE ALL KIND OF WANT TO SEE
THAT FAT JARED AGAIN.
COME ON, JARED, WE ALL STRUGGLE.
BUT JARED, CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW OBSESSED SUBWAY IS
WITH KEEPING JARED THIN?
"JARED, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
"WE GOT ANOTHER TREADMILL AND A BAG OF LAXATIVES.
DIG IN, BUDDY."
BUT JARED, HE'S HUNG IN THERE, YOU KNOW?
HE'S KEPT THE WEIGHT OFF.
HE'S BEEN THEIR SPOKESMAN FOR SO LONG,
THERE ARE KIDS THAT DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT HE FAT JARED.
MY TEN-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW THOUGHT JARED
WAS THE OWNER OF SUBWAY.
I WAS LIKE, "NO, HE WAS A BIG FAT GUY
WHO ATE ALL THESE HOAGIES, AND NOW HE'S THIN."
EVEN MY NEPHEW WAS LIKE, "WELL, THAT'S BULLSHIT."
[laughter and applause]
'CAUSE, OF COURSE, JARED DIDN'T LOSE THE WEIGHT
JUST EATING SUBWAY SANDWICHES.
HE SWITCHED FROM EATING BURGERS AND FRIES EVERY DAY
TO EATING SUBWAY SANDWICHES EVERY DAY,
SO AS A RESULT, WE VIEW GOING TO SUBWAY
AS A HEALTHY ACTIVITY.
IT'S LIKE, "WELL, I CAN GO JOGGING,
OR I CAN GO TO SUBWAY AND HAVE A MEATBALL SUB."
WHAT LEVEL OF DELUSION ARE WE IN
WHERE WE VIEW A MEATBALL SUB AS A HEALTHY ALTERNATIVE
TO A HAMBURGER.
IT'S LIKE HOW DO YOU MAKE A MEATBALL SUB?
YOU ROLL FIVE HAMBURGERS INTO BALLS...
COVER THEM IN CHEESE,
AND PUT THEM ON A BUN THAT HOLDS FIVE HAMBURGERS.
♪ EAT FRESH ♪
PROBABLY THE HEALTHIEST THING I DO IS I TAKE VITAMINS...
AND I PUT 'EM IN A DRAWER.
EVENTUALLY, I DO TAKE THEM AND THROW THEM OUT.
AH, WHEN I WAS A KID, I TOOK FLINTSTONES VITAMINS
'CAUSE I WATCHED THE TV SHOW THE FLINTSTONES.
I'D PROBABLY TAKE VITAMINS NOW IF THEY HAD, I DON'T KNOW,
LAW & ORDER VITAMINS.
"HI, I GOT ONE OF THOSE HOT ASSISTANT D.A.s.
"HERE'S A SAM WATERSTON.
"IT'S ALWAYS BITTER, BUT FILLED WITH RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION.
[imitates Law & Order sound effect]
[laughter and applause]
I THINK IT'S STRANGE THAT THERE ARE STORES
THAT JUST SELL VITAMINS.
YOU KNOW, LIKE GNC AND VITAMIN SHOPPE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WHAT IS WITH THE OLD ENGLISH SPELLING?
[British accent] "IS THIS WHERE ROBIN HOOD
GOTTETH HIS GINKGO?"
WORST BRITISH ACCENT EVER.
VITAMINS, YOU KNOW, THEY MAY BE EXPENSIVE,
BUT AT LEAST THERE'S NO PROOF THEY WORK.
THERE'S VITAMINS AND THEN THERE'S HERBAL SUPPLEMENTS,
WHICH ARE NOT FDA APPROVED.
AND TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE, THE TWINKIE IS.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HERBAL SUPPLEMENTS ARE FOR.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, "HEY, IF YOU'RE NOT WASTING
"ENOUGH MONEY ON VITAMINS THAT DON'T WORK,
"YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT THIS STUFF
THAT'S KIND OF THE HOROSCOPE OF VITAMINS."
MY FAVORITE HERBAL SUPPLEMENT I'VE SEEN
HAS TO BE EXTENZE.
IF YOU'RE UNFAMILIAR WITH EXTENZE,
THAT MEANS YOU'RE LYING.
'CAUSE, OF COURSE, EXTENZE IS AN HERBAL SUPPLEMENT
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOUR MANHOOD LARGER,
BUT ONE OF THE SIDE EFFECTS IS THAT IT DOESN'T WORK AT ALL.
AND WE KNOW IT DOESN'T WORK,
'CAUSE THEY HAVE THE BEST CRAPPY LATE-NIGHT COMMERCIALS EVER.
IN THEIR COMMERCIAL NOW, THEY HAVE NFL COACHING LEGEND
JIMMY JOHNSON AS THEIR SPOKESMAN.
I WOULD THINK, IF YOUR NAME WAS, I DON'T KNOW,
JIMMY JOHNSON...
YOU WOULD KNOW BETTER.
THEY PROBABLY WEREN'T EVEN SERIOUS
WHEN THEY OFFERED HIM THE SPOKESMAN THING.
THEY'RE LIKE, [laughing] "YOU KNOW, HEY...
"HERE'S AN HYSTERICAL IDEA.
"WHAT IF WE ASKED TO BE OUR SPOKESMAN...
[laughing] "JIMMY JOHNSON.
"HIM OR DICK BUTKUS. ONE OF THOSE GUYS.
IT WOULD BE..."
[laughter and applause]
IT'S AMAZING, THE EVOLUTION OF MY VIEW
TOWARDS THE EXTENZE COMMERCIAL.
'CAUSE WHEN I FIRST SAW IT, I WAS LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD, THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU GOTTA SEE THIS."
THEN, AFTER A COUPLE MONTHS, I WAS LIKE,
"WAIT A MINUTE, PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY BUYING THIS CRAP?"
AND THEN, AFTER A YEAR, I WAS LIKE,
"WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD TRY IT."
BUT I WOULD NEVER TRY IT, YOU KNOW.
FOR INNUMERABLE REASONS, ONE OF WHICH
IS I WOULDN'T WANT THAT ON MY CREDIT CARD BILL.
THAT'D BE KIND OF A HARD CHARGE TO CHALLENGE, RIGHT?
"YEAH, AMERICAN EXPRESS, I'D LIKE TO CHALLENGE
"A PURCHASE I MADE.
"UH, THE NAME OF THE PRODUCT IS EXTENZE.
"YEAH, IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOUR PENIS LARGER,
"BUT MY PENIS IS STILL REALLY SMALL.
"HELLO?
"MA'AM? HELLO?
"REDIAL.
"YEAH, I GOT DISCONNECTED.
"I'M THE GUY WITH THE TINY PENIS.
"YEAH, I WAS CUT OFF.
"WELL, IT ONLY LOOKS LIKE I WAS CUT OFF, REALLY.
"WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE DROPPING ME AS A MEMBER?
"HEY, SPEAKING OF MEMBERS, I HAVE A TINY ONE.
HAVE I BROUGHT THAT UP YET?"
OKAY, SO THE JOKE'S OVER?
ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU HANG UP FIRST.
NO, YOU, HEH.
LOOK, I SHOULD GO.
I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF TAPING A SPECIAL.
COMEDY SPECIAL. IN D.C.
OF COURSE, WASHINGTON D.C.
NO, CALGARY, D.C.
ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.
NO.
YEAH.
NO.
YEAH.
NO.
YEAH, THEY'RE GETTING ANNOYED.
OKAY. I CAN HOLD.
[whispers] SORRY ABOUT THAT.
I'M HERE, I'M HERE. LOOK, YOU SHOULD LET ME GO.
WELL, FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT EVEN HOLDING A REAL PHONE.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I LOVE YOU TOO.
OF COURSE I MISS YOU.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY, FINE. OKAY.
WELL, WHAT ROOM ARE YOU STAYING IN?
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU GUYS.
[cheers and applause]
- ♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY, I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ NO-NO-NO-NO-NOTH ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ NO-NO-NO-NOTHING ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ NO-NO-NO-NOTHING ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ NOTHING NOTHING ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ NOTHING IS SO HARD ♪
♪ AS THE MOMENT, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ NOTHING IS SO HARD AS THE MOMENT ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ NOTHING IS SO HARD ♪
♪ AS THE MOMENT ♪
♪ YEAH, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪
♪ THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ♪
♪ GOING UPSTAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU WANNA KNOW IT, BABY ♪
♪ I THINK ♪